Pearls from my friend Will

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness.  I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it." 

Telling a person to calm down is about the same as baptizing a cat.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.  Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Went shopping while hungry – now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 6.  

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker.  I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.  The glass is refillable.

Retired:  under new management. See spouse for details.

When you can't find the sunshine  ...  be the sunshine.

I don't have grey hair.  I have wisdom-highlights.

I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

Hold on while I overthink this.

My spouse says I have two faults.   I don't listen and...something else.

Never laugh at your spouse's choices.  You are one of them.

"dammit I'm mad" is "dammit I'm mad" spelled backward. (You will have to work a bit for this to make sense)

One minute you're young and fun.  The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.