Daily Laughs

Jonathan Hill sent these over, some great ones. There were a ton of them, I sort of culled it down. Thanks, Jonathan!

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. 

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for 
freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. 

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.