Keeping it straight

If you are amongst the politically confused these days, don't worry, You've got a lot of company. It used to be so easy.

You were either a Republican or a Democrat. Usually because that is what your folks were. Liberal or conservative.

Paul LePage

Nowadays not so easy. That's all changed. Let's take the GOP:

You might be a hawkish republican, a la Lindsay Graham.

Or on the flip, a non interventionist, isolationist Republican, think Rand Paul.

Or a nativist anti immigrant sort, like Steve King. Build a wall, ...calves as big as cantaloupes...

Or a big business needs an adequate migrant labor pool supporter like Tom Donohue at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Jeb Bush. Big business needs bodies.

Or a fiscal conservative firebrand like the Freedom Caucus types, Meadows and Jordan. Drain the swamp. Against everything. Slash spending.

Or an establishment GOPer like McConnell. People who have been around the block and remember how things used to work, don't necessarily want to blow everything up.

Or a social conservative anti abortion anti gay Repub like Louie Gohmert or Roy Moore.

Or a socially liberal republican like...well, we used to have some, give me a minute. I know, Susan Collins. Maybe the lady from Alaska. Not the one who can see Russia from the back yard, the other one.

Or a Trumper. What does he stand for again? The populist types that back the man, not necessarily any specific ideology. Thinks we are living in a reality television show.

Or a Bannonite. Someone who will stand up for White Americans of European stock. A Breitbart Republican. A voice for the powerful, poor uneducated white demographic.

Steve King

Or a dino like Joe Manchin.

Or an Ayn Rand Republican like Paul Ryan.

Or a Tea Party Republican.

Or a pro Russia Republican like Dana Rohrenbacher.

Or a commie hater like a John McCain.

Or a supply side Republican like Sam Brownback. (that went over really well)

Or a law and order guy like Jeff Sessions.

Or Neocons. The William Krystal wing. George Will, the intellectual Buckley descendants.

Or a Wall Street Republican. The market's good, that is all I care about. AKA Main St. Republicans. Cut taxes.

Or a Christian right Republican. A Trent Franks type.

A free market Republican.

A protectionist Repub.

A Federalist, strong central government Republican.

A log cabin Republican like Peter Thiel.

Or Fossil Fuel republicans like Inhofe, the climate change deniers. Gut the EPA.

Or a Koch Brothers Republican like Judd Gregg. Heartland Institute.

Sheriff Joe

Or a straight libertarian, like a Justin Amash or Paul again. Usually very bullish on weed, some concern for civil liberties.

There used to be a group in favor of bipartisanship, but they are now extinct. People like Rudman and the Concord Coalition. Now it is strictly let's do this alone.

Damn, that is a lot of flavors. The point of all this is that all of the aforementioned groups have just about one thing in common.

They hated Obama. And Obamacare.

But after that, nothing. As much alike as a pig and a parakeet. Antithetical positions, down the board. So it is no wonder that this party, which currently controls every branch of government down to the rank of dogcatcher, has been as worthless as a tit on a boar. Has accomplished exactly nothing short of Neil Gorsuch in nine months. With no prospects in sight.

You really can't blame the Donald for his most recent infidelity with Chuck and Nancy. It's not like his current pals are capable of agreeing on anything, not to mention enacting actual legislation. You think the orange one wants to go another three years in a continuous circle jerk, accomplishing exactly nothing?

Now its not like the Dems don't have their own factions, I have to be fair. But the split seems simpler.

The Bernie people want lots of free stuff, including free health care but show little concern for who is footing the bill. The socialist brigade. And then the rest of them, the standard issue garden variety libs, they haven't changed all that much since FDR. The bi coastal, urban majority that wins the popular vote but gets reamed by the heartland sticks most elections thanks to the electoral college, the closest most of these hayseeds will ever get to college.

Louie Gohmert

So there you have it. I was at Jack and Jill Nursery School in La Mesa when I made my fateful political choice. Maybe four years old. I remember it well, I had just eaten half of an overripe banana and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread when my life's political die was cast.

This was back in Nixon versus Kennedy days (for those of you that don't know, Kennedy won). We lined up in two lines, donkey or elephant. I went with the jackass. The kids in that line seemed so much more chill.

If you still call yourself a Republican, it would be real helpful if you told us what kind. But please don't b.s. me with any of that socially liberal, fiscally conservative stuff. That strain long ago ceased to exist.