Redmeat Savior

Forgot to mention this one. A conservative group, led by Phyllis Schafly's son Andy, is rewriting the bible. Not the whole thing, just the liberal parts. Anything that smacks of marxism, pacifism, environmentalism, all the bad and icky isms, are now miraculously deleted! I give you, The Conservative Bible Project.

Now you get warrior jesus without all the turn the other cheek crap, that nobody knows if he really said anyway. Bravo. And we all know that the bible is totally free market so the new bible seeks to "identify faulty pro-liberal terms used in existing Bible translations, such as "government", and suggest more accurate substitutes."

I started mulling around their website and it's pretty good. Found stuff like this:

The Conservative Bible Project is a project utilizing the "best of the public" to render God's word into modern English without liberal translation distortions.[1] A Colbert Report interview featured this project.[2] We completed a first draft of our translation of the New Testament on April 23, 2010.

Already our translators have identified numerous pro-abortion distortions that omit or twist clear references to the unborn child.

Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations. There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning:

    lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts introduced by Christ
    lack of precision in modern language
    translation bias, mainly of the liberal kind, in converting the original language to the modern one. 

Experts in ancient languages are helpful in reducing the first type of error above, which is a vanishing source of error as scholarship advances understanding. English language linguists are helpful in reducing the second type of error, which also decreases due to an increasing vocabulary. But the third -- and largest -- source of translation error requires conservative principles to reduce and eliminate.[3]

As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:[4]

        Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias. For example, the Living Bible translation has liberal evolutionary bias;[5] the widely used NIV translation has a pro-abortion bias.[6]
        Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other feminist distortions; preserve many references to the unborn child (the NIV deletes these)
        Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity[7]; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[8]
        Utilize Terms which better capture original intent: using powerful new conservative terms to capture better the original intent;[9] Defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words that have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".
        Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction[10] by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";[11] using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census
        Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
        Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
        Exclude Later-Inserted Inauthentic Passages: excluding the interpolated passages that liberals commonly put their own spin on, such as the adulteress story
        Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
        Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God." 

and:

Jesus's recognition that the truth would remain hidden from arrogant "intellectuals" while simultaneously revealed to humbler, more openminded people. This foreshadowed the creation of theories to pull self-centered intellectual wannabees away from God, such as the Theory of Evolution, the Theory of Relativity, the homosexual agenda, the secular culture of abortion, Communism, and countless other liberal and atheistic ideas and ideologies. 

And a great explanation for the book of Jonah.

The Book of Jonah describes his survival in the belly of a giant sea creature for 2.5 to 3 days. Scientists declared this to be impossible due to powerful stomach acids that quickly break down any material and the lack of breathable air inside marine animals.
In 2010, scientists found the following materials intact in the belly of a gray whale that had died after being stranded on a Northwest beach:[37]
    a pair of sweat pants
    a golf ball
    over 20 plastic bags
    small towels
    duct tape
    surgical gloves 

And maybe the persecutors really did know what they were doing? Or just another second century liberal conspiracy?

I'm sold.