Heard a couple jokes last week. Will try this one from memory;
Guy is driving and he sees a cop in his rear view mirror, he peels out and the cop takes off after him. chases him for miles until the man pulls off on the side of the road. Cop runs up, gun drawn and asks the man why he ran? Guy looks at the cop and says,"My wife ran off with a cop last month. I was worried that you were him and that you were trying to return her."
Gary sent me this one. Been around a while but still pretty good:
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter
wearing dark shades.
She says to him “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this
rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, “That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and
it's on sale this week for only $20.00.”
She says, “It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!” As she opens her purse,
her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card”, he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the
blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't
know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That'll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me
the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck
Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
Heard this next one at coffee.
Nurse goes to the market to buy groceries. She reaches into her purse to pull out her checkbook and grabs a rectal thermometer. "Shit," she says. "Some asshole has got my pen."
And:
A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Which reminds me of the one where the psychiatrist asks his receptionist if there are any patients waiting in the reception area? She says,"Guy says he's the invisible man." To which he retorts,"Well tell him I can't see him."
Or:
Two seniors decide to move in together to save on living expenses. Before they leap into it they decide to have a preliminary conversation to sort the logistics out.
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Which reminds me of the one where the psychiatrist asks his receptionist if there are any patients waiting in the reception area? She says,"Guy says he's the invisible man." To which he retorts,"Well tell him I can't see him."
Or:
Two seniors decide to move in together to save on living expenses. Before they leap into it they decide to have a preliminary conversation to sort the logistics out.
Food, she asks? No problem he says, you have your cabinets and I will have mine.
Mortgage? We'll split it right down the middle. All of our children are gone now and expenses should be minimal.
Sex, he asks? Infrequently, she says. He thinks for a second and asks "Is that one word or two?"
And finally, one of my favorite jewish jokes.
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machst du ... yeah, du ... outside, standing like a schlemiel ... eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and handmade a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot the Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven ... feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody’s looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don’t be a schmuck, Meyer," the parrot replied. "Think about the odds we’ll get at Yom Kippur?!"
And finally, one of my favorite jewish jokes.
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machst du ... yeah, du ... outside, standing like a schlemiel ... eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and handmade a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot the Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven ... feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody’s looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don’t be a schmuck, Meyer," the parrot replied. "Think about the odds we’ll get at Yom Kippur?!"
1 comment:
I've been in love with the same woman for the last 40 years. If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me.
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