Jesus's other half

So Jesus had a wife...Who knew? I can see it now (cue harp music):

"Savior, shmaver, how about lifting a finger around here once in a while, Mr. Son of God."

Sighing, Jesus looks beatifically at his spouse, Mary, and then rolls his eyes heavenward. "Yes, dearest."

"Don't patronize me, Jesus. You mess with me, you'll wish you died young."

"And another thing, those disciples don't wipe their feet after they step in that filthy Galilee shmutz. You want to see hell, I'll show you hell. You'd think one of your merry men could hold down a job? But no. Moochers. Heal the sick, loaves and fishes, you ever bring me any of that nosh home? Never.

Everybody wants to talk about the messiah, they think those robes clean themselves? Saul's wife got  a new camel. A four door. Son of a carpenter, ha, this place is a dump. And another thing...

(to be continued? your idolatrous contributions graciously accepted.)

"Bring home two bialy's and a shmeer. I know you got the wine thing covered. Mary."