I need a miracle every day...

St. Stephen

As you are probably aware by now, I am neither Catholic or a believer. So forgive me for my apostasy when I tell you that the standard for miracles seems to be really slipping. The Pope John Paul II has just been beatified, he's now only a scepter away from sainthood. One more miracle I think and he gets elected to the saint's hall of fame. A woman invoked his name and supposedly was cured of her Parkinson's. Could be, I wasn't there.

I am not a bible scholar but in the old days you saw some real miracles. Both Aaron and his brother Moses had a rod that could turn into a serpent. Read Exodus 7 through 13. When the pharoah's sorcerers replicated the trick and turned their rods into snakes, Moses's staff ate them. Didn't leave a splinter. In addition Moses could part the Red Sea and summon water from a stone with his shileglagh.

In 1 Kings 17:17–24 Elijah raises a widow's dead son. Elisha had a similar knack, multiplying the poor widow's jar of oil (2 Kings 4:1-7) and restoring to life the son of the woman of Shunem (2 Kings 4:18-37).

St. Gerard Majella was seen levitating three feet off the ground on several occasions. Blessed Alexandrina da Costa didn't have a bite of chow during her last thirteen years on earth. Too bad she couldn't summon up one more measly trick or she would be in now like Flynn.

Bilocation, the ability to be two places at once, was always a crowd pleaser and great favorite of the saints. The annals are replete with stories of bilocation. ST. ALPHONSUS MARY DE LIGUORI (d. 1787) was seen at two different locations at the same time, once being seen in the pulpit preaching a sermon and at the same time being in the confessional.  VEN. MARY OF AGREDA (d. 1665) was a humble nun who spent forty-six years in the Convent of the Conception in Agreda, Spain. Not only did the Venerable travel mystically across Spain and Portugal, but she also crossed an ocean to visit another continent that was known as America. Her final destination was New Mexico and the Indians of an isolated tribe. That's some serious air miles, even on the astral plane. Venerable indeed.

I'm not trying to belittle this stuff. It is truly impressive. But the miracles seem to have been so, well watered down today. I read about an early saint this morning who once caused a girl's legs to grow back. What happened to this kind of mojo? Are the current saints a bunch of minor leaguers?

Candidates are being canonized these days at a record rate. Now Peruvian President Alan Garcia says Pope John Paul II should get credit for the death of Osama bin Laden. This would surely get him past the Veteran's committee to heavenly Cooperstown, wouldn't it? I just don't know if I am willing to buy it quite yet.

When did the saints start to go downhill? Why don't we get any of the really bitchin' miracles these days? Curing Parkinson's is neat and all but I want to see somebody nowadays turn a rod into a snake. Even a rubber snake.