Burn Warnings

Air quality throughout the midwest and south is expected to be hazardous tomorrow. The elderly and other people with compromised respiratory systems are advised to stay indoors. The National Weather Service is blaming the unhealthful air and upsurge in particulate matter to the mass of Koran burnings scheduled to take place in commemoration of 9/11.

Although Dove Place's Dr. Terry Jones is starting to waver on his proposed incineration of Islam's holiest book, in the south religious firebugs are popping up as thick as Waffle Houses to take his place. Throughout the Bible Belt, churches have scripture and lighter fluid ready to obey the lord's call for fiery vengeance. Plenty of good souls ready to pick up the torch.

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The Rev. Bob Old of Springfield, Tennessee and his Disciples for Christ are going ahead with their plans for a combination Koran burning and sunday barbeque. They will be serving sloppy joes and Aunt Edna's famous macaroni salad. Old said his plans have nothing to do with the Rev. Terry Jones of Gainesville, Fla., who had planned to burn Islam's holy book tomorrow but canceled the event on Thursday.

Old says he believes "God has called every born again Christian to stand up for his or her faith."

The 59-year-old former pastor said a number of people have contacted him in hopes of participating with his burning of the Quran, but he hasn't invited anyone outside of the Disciples to join him. But like a bear defecating in the woods, if you burn a koran and no one sees it, one must ask, did it really happen?

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A Wyoming paper is reporting a man plans to burn a Quran on the state capital steps on Saturday, Sept. 11. If there’s a rule against burning, he promised to rip the Holy book up at the capital and then burn it at a private residence later that day. The rules committee will need to meet and adjudicate if this bifurcated approach officially counts as an actual burning.

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Not to be outdone, Fred Phelps' Westboro Church sent out its own press release announcing its own book burning:

"While you sissy brats browbeat and jockey with the false prophet Terry Jones--pretending like the lives of those soldiers are your political and personal pawns--we will tell you the truth. The blood of the dead soldiers is dripping off the hands of General Petraeus. The blaspheming talking heads (politicians, talk show hosts, false prophets, arrogant Pentagon-perverts) of this nation of proud sinners have put the bulls-eye of God on the backs of these soldiers. Burning the Quran could not possibly imperil your soldiers any more than you have."

And in a classic case of pyro one upmanship, Westboro plans to burn a koran and a United States flag.

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Amazing Grace Baptist Church in North Carolina, widely considered to be the pioneers of modern day book burning, also have some plans to torch the devil's workshop but after the hassles with the fire inspector last year are keeping everything on the hush hush.  Call ahead for a private invite if you are feeling sparky.

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The only ones who really stand to benefit from all this book burning are the koran publishers themselves who are working 24/7 to keep up with the demand for religious kindling. "With literacy at an all time low, this is just the shot in the arm we needed to meet our sales target for the quarter," said Ed Goldstein, publisher of the popular Islamic religious text.