Annual Sex Survey

The Blue Heron Blast has just performed a very thorough and comprehensive survey on pornography on the internet. Don't look so shocked. It is everywhere.

You could be looking for a few honest figures on the yearly paper consumption in Surinam or the current stickiness quotient of wickets and be suddenly plunged into a carnal cyber abyss at any time.

I would wager that more people are using Al Gore's invention these days for self gratification than Quickbooks or checking the price of beets. Just a few keystrokes away, as they say.

In any case, as a public service to Blast readership, we have waded deep into Satan's trenches to assay the state of cyber porn and have some pithy comments to offer on the whole megillah.

You people have gotten really weird.

Grandma is apparently not just for baking cookies anymore. When and why did this happen?

Men are now shaving their pubic hair. Ok, why? Does anything look so stupid? Is this like those new hi-tech bathing suits now outlawed in international competition? Is the loss of friction and drag worth the resultant itch?

Speaking of pubic hair, vaginas are being trimmed, shaved, ringed, beaded and bangled at an alarming clip. Don't go to an orgy au natural unless you want to get laughed out of the joint and deemed a prudish puritanical throwback by your swinging peers.

And while on the topic of swingers, you would never want to have intimate relations with 95% of them unless suitably ensconced in several layers of industrial grade visqueen, and with a signed affidavit that said partner had all of the requisite shots, including tetanus and typhoid. This is admittedly judgmental, but the vast majority of the swingers I have met put the ug in ugly. And could be a host to a wide range of virus's and parasites that could ultimately curtail any hopes that you may have for any possible lovemaking endeavors in the future.

I must couch this, being an R rated blog at worst, and not wishing to unduly offend. The back door is now the front door, in some circles, the front door being relegated for very special occasions. Sort of like those chairs in the formal living room that mom kept the slip covers on. I don't think that some of the denizens of the new layout and procedure are as keen on the whole thing as they are letting on.

With so much sordid crap littering the netwaves, don't bother teaching the kids about sex education. They will TEACH you, offering tips on the finer points of reverse cowboy, multiple partners, gagging, spitting and a host of other ridiculous notions that have suddenly become standard issue in the sex biz. Some of what passes for lovemaking these days is really quite brutal and disgusting, but who asked me?

If the kids want to babysit for the neighbors, say no, trust me...

It also puzzles me that women will trade visible boob scars for a shapely and comely breast. I have had more stitches than Mama Cass's hemline and no one has ever suggested that they have any aphrodisiac quality.

Venue is now important, we tend to copulate anywhere and everywhere, glory holes, elevators, rest stops, truck stops, kitchen tables, classrooms, trains, planes, automobiles. Seemingly everywhere, except of course in beds, a twentieth century anachronistic contraption that I thought was conceived for just such a purpose. Now Trés outre.

I won't belabor this. With all of this free porn floating around, I don't see how any of the filth purveyors are making any money, or how the magazine or movie trade continues to flourish. They have done away with most of the plot lines, beelining straight to the entrees, but what the hell can you do these days that hasn't been done a million times in the past, and probably with better form and execution?

And on the subject of sex, did any of you catch the recent local lawsuit between lifesize, anatomically correct blow up doll companies? People are paying a fortune for a latex companion that doesn't ever talk back. But can they cook?

I could go on, but I think I need a squeegee and a shower. Bottom's up.