Credibility and respect

We all know that political discourse has reached it's nadir in this country. We long for the good old days when our representatives would roll up their sleeves and work for the common goals of the american people. Looking at the leaders of the noble opposition, I know that America is in good hands no matter which party wins the big enchilada in the next go round. This is the face of your, I mean, our Republican Party, America!

Michelle Bachmann is the one American willing to stand between you and the gulag. Since when does the census man have a right to know who lives in your home? She got her start with other parents in starting the New Heights Charter School in Minnesota but resigned after a brouhaha in which she and other school officials refused to allow the in-school screening of the Disney film Aladdin, feeling that it endorsed witchcraft and promoted paganism. Bachmann states she was called to run for her seat by God, and that she and her husband fasted for three days to be sure. So one midnight salami sandwich might be all that stood in the way of this great American taking her hallowed seat.

She has been a busy beaver in office, introducing among other things the groundbreaking Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act, to repeal the nationwide phase-out of conventional light bulbs. Bachmann recently stated that the last swine flu outbreak in the U.S. occurred under "another Democrat President", Jimmy Carter, and that she was not blaming President Obama for the outbreak but that she found it to be an "interesting coincidence". Contrary to her statement, the previous swine flu outbreak occurred while Republican President Gerald Ford was in office. Keep an eye on this one, nuttier than your Aunt Zelda, but she's a comer'.

Alan Keyes disowned his daughter at the age of 20 when she came out as a lesbian. He defied U.S. Judge Myron Thompson in the Chief Justice Roy Moore case when he refused to pull the ten commandments effigy out of the Alabama Courthouse. He refused to congratulate Obama after his victory because Keyes denied Obama had been constitutionally inaugurated, refused to call him president, and called him an "usurper" and a "radical communist". Many feel that he owed his position in the Reagan State Department to the fact that he was the only black person that could be found willing to defend apartheid in South Africa.

John Boehner is the George Montgomery of his generation, known for his brilliant yellow orange tan. He was discharged after only eight weeks in Vietnam due to a bad back. In June 1995, Boehner provoked contentions of unethical conduct when he distributed campaign contributions from tobacco industry lobbyists on the House floor as House members were weighing how to vote on tobacco subsidies. Oilier than a blown head gasket on a 57 chevy, but by god, you got to love him.

Sam Wurzelbacher aka "Joe the Plumber" is another young lion of conservatism. Who would have thought that a tax dodging, unlicensed plumber could scale the heights of celebrity so quickly? Wurzelbacher has signed with a publicity management agent regarding media relationships, including "a possible record deal with a major label, personal appearances and corporate sponsorships." Joe doesn't cotton to the idea of "having queens around his kids." A frequent critic of the "socialist state", Wurzelbacher has also acknowledged that his parents were on welfare while he was growing up. How did a guy that came from a profession most notable for it's display of buttcrack become such a wise commentator on the political scene? This guys an up and comer and rising quick on the charts, watch him!























Mark Sanford voted against preserving sites linked to the Underground Railroad during his term in Congress. To his credit, he has taken many fact finding trips to South America in order to further his research. This guy is as randy as a college sophomore in Daytona Beach on Spring Break, so lock up the women and children if you know what I mean.

El Rushbo, Rush Limbaugh, defacto ruler of the Republican Party has risen from a corpulent draft dodger with a pilonidal cyst up his butt to a guiding light of conservatism. According to wikipedia, his father and mother wanted him to attend college, so he enrolled at Southeast Missouri State University. He dropped out after two semesters and one summer; according to his mother, "he flunked everything", even a modern ballroom dancing class. Limbaugh was a big hit with women after he said "Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society."

Sarah Palin is the hottest moose killin' governor this side of Ketchikan. Equally comfortable in pumps and vibram soles, this babe first achieved notoriety when she successfully opposed a measure to curtail the hours at Wasilla's bars by two hours while a city councilwoman.

Palin opposes same-sex marriage and supported denying state health and spousal benefits to same-sex couples. Palin has stated that abortion should be banned in nearly all cases, including rape and incest. Does not support embryonic stem cell research. As a mayor, she charged victims for rape kits. A lifetime member of the National Rifle Association, she is against a ban on assault weapons. Supports teaching creationism alongside evolution in the schools. Admits smoking marijuana when it was legal in Alaska. Human Rights Magazine named her Conservative of the Year in 2008.

You can rest assured that we are in good hands with these folks. I am sure that we can all sleep soundly tonight.