A Swipe at Asswipe

Apparently, prissy Americans are quite particular about pampering their precious pooters - word in from the National Resources Defense Council that our butt wiping regimen may be depleting vital old growth timber resources in Canada. While a few brands of t.p. are made from recycled paper pulp, we tend to favor soft fluffy sheets that require the long fibers that come from standing trees. Long fibers can be laid out and hot air fluffed to make softer tissue.

According to Greenpeace, Kimberly Clark, the maker of two popular ultra soft brands, Cottonelle and Scott, has gotten as much as 22 percent of its pulp from producers who cut trees in Canadian boreal forests where some trees are 200 years old.

Although brands differ, 25 percent to 50 percent of the pulp used to make toilet paper in this country comes from tree farms in South America and the United States. The rest, environmental groups say, comes mostly from old, second-growth forests that serve as important absorbers of carbon dioxide, the main heat-trapping gas linked to global warming. In addition, some of the pulp comes from the last virgin North American forests, which are an irreplaceable habitat for a variety of endangered species, environmental groups say. Much of the paper is treated with chlorine, another agent which can harm the environment.

In the United States, which is the largest market worldwide for toilet paper, tissue from 100 percent recycled fibers makes up less than 2 percent of sales for at-home use among conventional and premium brands. In contrast, European toilet paper is at least 40% recycled.

Customers “demand soft and comfortable,” said James Malone, a spokesman for Georgia Pacific, the maker of Quilted Northern. “Recycled fiber cannot do it.”

Now the Blue Heron Blast would never advocate the use of 80 grit sandpaper on our tender tushies. We americans are a more delicate breed after all. And we are in full concurrence that no job is quite finished until the paperwork is done. But the next time you grab a hoggish pile of that freshly scented, air fluffed, beautifully decorated papier de toilette, think about all the people in europe who can make do with a paltry square of industrial grade paper and all the trees you are killing and owls you are displacing for your cushy anal hijinx. Thank you.